The Straight Talk is on Me

Become the centre of attention and the star of your own show. Do you know your “automatic” ineffective communication verbs!

It is sometimes painful to realise that all human interactions rest on “verbs and their actions.”

There is always a verb actively at play in any two-way communication.

Some verbs are effective and pro-life, while others are energy zappers, rude, ineffectual, boring, self-centred, etc..

Some are under our control, while others are unconscious.

For instance to gossip is a verb so is bullying or patronising. More to the point, it is equally challenging to notice that we and others are always “in action” about the verbs we commonly use.

In other words we “execute” a verb by a series of very specific actionable actions.

For example, I can patronise by slightly raising my tone of voice so as to exclude myself from the conversation and view it from a superior spot. Snobby people do this one quite well as they know how to use inflections to communicate domination, judgement and contempt. They often raise their chin and narrow the bridge of their nostrils and breathe a little more shallow.

Such a person will do the same thing with their body position, slightly turning their body and face away from you so it is clear to you that you are inferior. They also slightly squint as as to communicate that you are not worth looking at. Very powerful stuff.

Great negotiators use such techniques (carefully) so as to influence the potential deal in their favour by using the verb “to intimidate or to dominate” in voice tone, postures, gestures, facial expressions and attitudes that are extremely specific.

A verb that has not found its effective actionable and specific actions goes flat and comes across as ineffectual. You may have found the verb you want to use but no idea or skill to carry out the verb into “the real world” with precise actions where the person you are trying to communicate with can” see and hear” you in action.

Unless you are truly skilled at using these verbs successfully, here’s a short list of ineffective verbs to avoid getting in action about: to patronise, to condescend, to bully, to withhold, to mock, to accuse, to reproach, to talk down, to victimise, to ridicule, to cater to, to apologise or play victim, to avoid, to please, to charm, to harass, to condemn, to confront, to intimidate, to ignore, to pity yourself or play victim, to flee, to nag, to insult, etc.

Become more aware of your “automatic” communication verbs! The power or disaster is in the tiny actions carrying out the specific verb you use, such as natural flow of actions, gestures, facial expressions, voice tones and words.

Remember that any person or group you talk to follow your lead, which is your “verb in action.”

Communication is a visual art with some great acoustic components.

In matters of communication, developing awareness about your verbs in action is what sophistication is all about. Being in command of your actions so they do not betray your intentions.

A good exercise is to ask a few people you work with or live with what your communication verbs are. Ask them what it is you do precisely and if there are any traces of pleasing, patronising or any traces of the above mentioned verbs.

Someone may say to you: you always look away when I speak to you…or you never look at me for more than a second.

Then (if you are really brave :), ask them how it makes them feel…do it as an experiment in a spirit of fun so you get to learn about some hidden aspects of your communication with others.

Here’s an exercise you can practice: Find at least 5 “actionable” actions for the following verbs and their adverb:

To introduce myself clearly.
To acknowledge my partner or spouse authentically.
To present myself humorously.
To share my knowledge humbly.
To connect with my audience warmly.

Make it as specific as you can in the following areas: eye contact, facial expressions, postures, gestures, movement, body position, voice tone, energy and length of pauses.

Break it all down in “doable” actions NOT thoughts!

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