Suffering is relative, NOT absolute!

Nobody suffers in a vacuum, within an inevitable absolute reality that makes one a sufferer. If pain is inevitable but suffering is optional (The Dalai Lama), is there a potential way out of this dilemma?

© Philippe Benichou

Throughout my life, particularly during my decades as an acting coach and director, I have witnessed a great deal of emotional and psychological suffering. Working with individuals is an extraordinary journey. Early in my career, I realized that the skills I was attempting to teach would not be effectively assimilated unless I focused on the whole person.

People struggle more with themselves than with their talent or learning process. This insight fueled my passion for helping others understand and alleviate their suffering. I started as a professional actor in New York City. After moving to Los Angeles, I founded the Hollywood Actors Studio in Los Angeles in 1989.

I began my career as a professional actor in New York City. After moving to Los Angeles, I founded the Hollywood Actors Studio in 1989. Teaching and directing actors marked the beginning of my second career as a public speaking skills trainer. As my passion for artistic expression grew, and I realized that all public speakers face performance issues, I founded Speakers & Artists International, Inc., dedicated to enhancing public speaking and business communication through performance skills.

Coaching is all about empowerment and self-discovery; helping and encouraging individuals to get in touch with their talent and potential and seeing that it gets expressed fully.

Coaching is about empowerment and self-discovery, helping individuals tap into their talent and potential and express it fully. However, individuals often carry many internal wounds and unfinished business, bringing tension and distortion to their lives. We become experts at covering up our true feelings, but truth becomes essential when it matters, such as on stage, as an artist, or in a meaningful relationship. Often, what holds us back is ourselves.

Fortunately, when authenticity matters such as on a stage, as an artist, or in a relationship we care about, it becomes essential to discover what is holding us back. It’s usually ourselves!

It is ironic that despite the brilliance we witness in various fields, we have merely camouflaged our species’ existential suffering instead of finding practical and lasting solutions. This has always astounded me. Ignorance, not individuals, is to blame.

There are many therapies, gurus, and experts, some genuinely heartfelt, who claim to have solutions. As an empowerment coach, I have often felt frustrated but never gave up the fight.

I needed to discover something meaningful to communicate to my students and clients. The key insight I found is that psychological or emotional suffering is relative, not absolute.

Let me explain. There is no denying suffering, and the scientific literature on its potential causes is extensive.

“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” Sigmund Freud (1856–1939)

In college, I first majored in philosophy, always questioning why none of the marvelous theories over the centuries produced a viable remedy or even temporary relief for our existential angst. Many theories only added to the confusion.

There are countless coping techniques, pills, and therapies, but none that can wash away existential angst like aspirin can relieve a headache. Even, Carl Jung (1875–1961) posited that suffering is an integral part of the individuation process, leading to personal growth and self-discovery. From Deepak Chopra to Eckhart Tolle, statements and declarations abound about the sources of suffering. The Dalai Lama professed that “pain is inevitable but that suffering is optional”.

Truth Be Told

Nobody suffers in a vacuum or within an inevitable absolute reality that makes one a sufferer. Outside of obvious physical pain, like a broken arm, mental or emotional unease is always related to our perception of (1) where we are, (2) who we are with, and (3) what circumstance or situation we “think” we are in.

In other words, there is always a perceived and interpreted scenario — story, ideal, picture, hope, expectation, desire, vision, etc. — that feels real or is projected. Our experience is actually a projected experience, undetected and unrealized.

We seldom notice these projections. When caught up in the flow of life, it is difficult to observe the patterns of perceived reality. These patterns are illusions, but unless we actively watch them, they remain undetected and cannot be challenged, let alone laughed at.

The experience is much like falling asleep during a movie and waking up in the middle of it on your couch, then carrying on with your life as if the plot and story of the film were “actually” happening to you.

No matter how sci-fi this sounds, it’s what we do when we don’t observe the content of our thoughts and feelings. We check out of what matters.

For example, an Awareness 101 course would show individuals that life never shows up outside the context of who we believe we are, where we are, with whom we are, and what is happening. By educating the observer, one becomes aware of this basic setup, which always carries inherent expectations. If left unchecked, these expectations lead to some form of angst. The technique is to watch the who, where, what, how, with whom, and when.

By making observing into a way of life, we can avoid getting caught up in the movie of our lives! And avoid being caught up in the roles we play!

Triggers

How is suffering triggered? Suffering occurs when the natural expectations of life are not met — being stood up, failing an exam, missing a train, hearing of a sudden death in the family, experiencing a sudden change in mood or physical well-being, etc. We consider these expectations normal and human, hence why they are often hidden from our consciousness.

There are two kinds of expectation triggers: obvious ones and undeclared or unstated ones. If a person loses someone dear to them in a car accident, it is obvious they would have preferred it didn’t happen.

On the deeper psychological and emotional levels, we have childhood triggers that are more profound and unconscious but still “built-in” triggers.

Here is a list of concrete examples of expectation triggers:

• Emotional abuse that was “not supposed to happen”
• Repressed feelings, leading one to wonder, “Why were these feelings repressed in the first place?”
• A father with a strong superego who prioritized work over his children
• Commands like “do as I say and not as I do” and threats of severe punishment or ridicule for disobedience
• A dysfunctional home situation, creating an atmosphere of fault or constant blaming, making individuals feel responsible for various situations
• Internalizing imposed rules of behavior and conduct, whether societal or peer-based
• Compartmentalizing will and intellect while repressing deep feelings to cope with responsibilities
• Struggling with a sexual orientation that is not accepted
• Conforming and fitting in, which clashes with parental authority
• Being a slave to public opinion and constantly at odds with others’ expectations
• People-pleasing behaviors

More examples include:

• Experiencing neglect or lack of emotional support during childhood
• A dysfunctional home situation, where an atmosphere of fault, or blame prevails
• Growing up in a highly competitive environment where only high achievements are valued
• Having a parent with unrealistic expectations, such as perfectionism
• Being in a family where open communication is discouraged or punished
• Living in a community with rigid cultural or religious norms
• Dealing with the pressure to succeed academically or professionally despite personal interests
• Feeling the need to hide personal beliefs or values to avoid conflict
• Facing constant criticism or comparison to siblings or peers
• Encountering societal prejudices, such as racism or sexism, that create internal conflicts
• Coping with traumatic events, such as divorce or loss, without proper support
• Unable to change or fix a sexual orientation that is not acceptable
• Being at odds with other people’s expectations, which leads to people pleasing, etc.

What I am attempting to point out is that it is impossible to dissociate these situations from their built-in “normal” expectations. However, it is the projected assumption that “things should be different” that sets up the malaise or angst commonly called existential suffering. Additionally, hardly any of it is actually being watched or observed.

We naturally expect to be respected and honored for who we are. After all, we come into the world whole and complete in our being and spirit.

To transcend these triggers, it is crucial to contemplate and investigate that there is no absolute suffering “per se.” An example of an absolute is gravity. What is missing is the act of watching the illusions of suffering through our thoughts. Another way to put it is that suffering is not a fact but rather a relative interpretation that we are not observing. It is the very act of watching that brings awareness.

In other words, existential suffering is suffering relative to what is desired and expected, but not an absolute and inevitable concretized suffering. Thus, if one identifies the unmet desire or unfulfilled expectation and observes how the mind lays it out, one can see the patterns of thought and feelings at play.

Eckhart Tolle teaches that suffering is largely due to identification with the ego and the mind’s incessant need to dwell on the past or future. He said: “The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”

I remember a great quote by Alan Watts, philosopher and student of Eastern philosophies: “Things are only complicated when you think about them”.

By making observation a habitual practice, you can detect and challenge these patterns. For instance, if you notice a recurring feeling of inadequacy when you don’t meet a certain standard, you can observe how your mind magnifies this experience. Over time, this awareness can help you understand that the suffering is tied to your specific expectations and perceptions, not to an unchangeable reality.

To summarize, watching the mind’s projections and understanding their relative nature is key to reducing existential suffering. This practice helps you separate true needs from perceived inadequacies, allowing for a more balanced and less angst-ridden life.

How do we begin to transcend our existential suffering?

If you can identify the patterns of your suffering occurring in the “background” and watch them in action, you are potentially free from the worry or the angst — whatever its form. These thought patterns only gain power and momentum when we stop watching them.

It is as profound as it gets: no watcher no chance to pierce through the thoughts of angst. Put simply we are not our thoughts, we have thoughts. It is the identification with our thoughts that give them their existence. We personalize them and become our thoughts.

The Nature of the Binary Principle

Mind is a Binary Principle

Understanding the binary or dualistic nature of the mind is essential. The mind operates mechanically, thinking only in opposites. Let’s delve deeper into this concept.

The Dualistic Nature of Mind

The mind’s dualistic nature makes it difficult to identify it as a binary principle, yet it functions mechanically by thinking in opposites. For instance, extremes are only extremes in relation to their counterparts — there is no “top” without a “bottom,” no “rich” without “poor,” and no “good” without “evil.” Polarities exist in perfect sync and juxtaposition. The opposite of suffering is health or joy, representing an absence of the declared state.

Escaping dualism is not the point; seeing it is.

The Identification with the Mind Principle

Here’s a key insight: it is the identification with the mind principle that makes suffering easier to invite, host, and entertain. What generates suffering is the identification with the mind, not the intrinsic dualistic nature of the mind. As we remain unaware of where we are trapped (in a binary system), we begin to experience a relative failure to observe the mind and its tricks, which makes us believe that what it thinks is real and actually belongs to us.

All is built on the principle of the mind. This is our biggest blind spot and our greatest gift. We are born with the expectation to live; it is built-in, so everything becomes a potential trap for suffering — what if I don’t live, what if I get sick, what if it doesn’t work out? These fears can lead to deeper fears, greed, and so on.

Freeing Oneself from Mind’s Opposites

Freeing oneself from the mind’s opposites is the essence of the journey. All sources of fear can be traced to an absence or lack of understanding of what causes the fear and a definite absence of mindfulness. For example, intuition is magical because it does not concern itself with opposites. It warns us without identifying with “why” a person is hiding in the dark alley with a knife. Intuition does not think; it does not operate as a binary consciousness.

We pay attention to the mind’s content but rarely to the nature of the mind itself and its potential traps. Observing or spotting the unnamed and unexamined expectations or “personal rules” that we cherish about life, the world, our relationships, and circumstances is what frees us from unnecessary suffering.

Simply put, we all expect life to work out, don’t we? But according to what picture? What storyboard? The picture is what we don’t see. It can be a picture of what is acceptable in our culture, our parents or peers, our country’s values, religion, or social milieu.

The Role of Expectations

I am not advocating for a life without expectations. Rather, I am explaining that having a mind means having expectations, regardless of whether you are aware of them. They exist.

Transcend the Mind Principle, Not the Mind Itself

It is the understanding and assimilation of the mind’s nature, by anchoring in a different foundation, that makes all the difference.

When sourced in the mind, all is lost; when sourced in your instincts and attention, it becomes practical to see the mind as a mechanical construct that simply measures across all time — hence why the mind is so powerful.

We have a body with instincts and intuition, and we have an identity or ego with self-reflected consciousness that uses the mind to self-reflect but is not “of” the mind.

Mind and Life as Free Agents

It’s good to remember that life and mind are free agents. They are not embarrassed by their design. Life wants to keep going at the speed of the universe, and the mind wants to keep exploring and measuring at its own pace.

Once you remove fault, blame, and responsibility, you can begin to navigate more freely inside your “self.” Limitations are built into life but not inherently as problems. Problems are meticulously added as reactions to life’s inherent but natural dilemmas. This is one of the great contradictions of being born as a conscious being, caught between our animal nature and our evolving humanness.

The Role of Measurement

Life simply happens to animals, but to human beings, life happens, and we measure it. We develop opinions about it. We have issues with not being able to control our destiny, the circumstances we meet, the people, the changes, etc.

The Binary Nature of the Mind

Mind’s Dependency on Binaries

The mind cannot exist without binaries, and a measurement is not a measurement without something to measure it against. A measurement is never absolute but a relative value depending on the criteria. Newton and Einstein were quite insistent on this matter.

The mind is like a trained hunting dog; it will relentlessly track a trail to please its master. Similarly, the mind will always find the opposite of any argument or position. The formidable analytic power of the mind, when turned onto oneself and one’s life, will undoubtedly find what’s wrong.

The Mind’s Inward Cruelty

My wife and I often discuss the tragedy of someone like Robin Williams, who hung himself on a doorknob. His genius, when directed outward to express humor, provided relief. However, the cruelty of his mind turned inward was likely overwhelming. The mind can be very unforgiving when pointed inward. The self must train it to point outward.

The Danger of Broad Goals

Beware of phrases that fit all, like “I want to be a better something or someone.” Such goals tell the mind to measure you against not being that, which can be a great source of worry and angst if the pattern is ignored. For example, if you want to become a better pianist, don’t engage in self-conversations; just practice more and seek a great teacher. Practice makes perfect, not mantras. Consistent effort leads to improvement, given the appetite and tenacity.

Spotting Dualism and Expectations

Spot dualism and “built-in” expectations as they are inevitable. Spotting duality identifies the source of suffering. As in the famous example of a glass half-full, is it half-full or half-empty? There is always a split in everything, natural for the mind but unnatural for the self.

The Mind as a Tool

The mind is not from us nor is it us; it’s a tool for self-reflected consciousness, nothing more. The mind is beautiful but only proves useful if we stay out of its tyrannical measurements concerning our direction and process in life.

The Risk of Identification with Mind

Identification with the mind principle is intellectual and emotional suicide. If you can watch your mind, you have met yourself — who is watching? You can either “be” mind or “watch” mind. The first is anxious and terrified, and the latter is free.

Cultural Identification with Sin

In the biblical tradition, the original sin concept implies inherent worthlessness (a sinner) and the need for atonement. This notion of being inherently bad is another collective delusion. We’ve been looking through the sinner’s prism for so long that it is nearly impossible to tell where nonsense begins and human ends.

The Cost of Financial and Existential Identity

Our cultural identification with sin is so deep that facing a life free and liberated feels impossible. After the crash in 1929, many individuals committed suicide because they couldn’t face financial non-existence. Being without money made them feel they did not exist and were left without an identity.

Escaping the Cave of Illusions

Who are we without suffering? Philosophers like Plato dramatized this experience in works like “The Allegory of the Cave.” In this allegory, prisoners are chained in a cave, only seeing shadows on a wall cast by a fire behind them. These shadows are their only reality. When one prisoner is freed and sees the outside world, he discovers a new reality. However, when he returns to tell the others, they do not believe him. They remain trapped in their minds’ illusions.

Thank you for reading.

Eric Stone

Note: these are essays in intuitive awareness offered as creative musings. Science uses intuition to establish new paths of inquiry and advance possible theories. We favour a philosophical exploration through our own intuition rather than fit-all reasoning. We see ourselves as traveling emotional spirits filtering universal consciousness in the now. We are witnesses of a great cosmic joke playing with our being on this earth, inside the tremendous beauty and mystery of life.