How Great Are You at Negotiations?
The Secret Magic Wand of Great Negotiators: How to Leverage Listening and Crack the Code of Every Negotiation
Behind every human interaction, invisible dynamics are at play and affect the outcome. Some are physical, like the impact of someone’s appearance, while others are psychological and emotional — moods, tone of voice, or eloquence. These dynamics determine the direction and quality of our relationships, whether we realize it or not.
A dynamic is a specific focus that influences how we connect with others. When you engage with another person, you’re entering a vast network of conditioned perspectives, cultural predispositions, judgments, and experiences — both past and present. While these influences may seem imperceptible, they profoundly organize how we relate to others and how they relate to us.
The more aware you become of these human dynamics, the greater your influence in any interaction. I call this awareness the listening. We are constantly being listened to through a web of impressions, expectations, and projections. While we may believe our conversations are blank slates, the truth is that every interaction is colored by the social, cultural, political, and even religious backgrounds we bring to the table. The same goes for how we are perceived by others. Neutrality doesn’t exist in human communication; exchanges are always filtered through pre-existing conditions.
The Power of “The Listening” and Their Filters
Communication isn’t just about what is said — it’s about what is heard. Every message is filtered through a complex nexus of past experiences, mental and emotional patterns, and sensory impressions. Whether you’re on a date, presenting a Ted Talk, negotiating a deal, or interviewing for a job, the interaction is a “negotiated sharing” between distinct worldviews.
Understanding these filters — the ones others use to listen to you and the ones you use to listen to them — is a game-changer. For example, if someone perceives you as dismissive or uninformed, that filter will dictate how your words land. Addressing that perception allows you to create alignment and trust.
“Effective communication is sourced in how we listen to each other. It’s not just about hearing sounds, but about engaging with the unique filtering mechanisms at play in every interaction.”
To illustrate: Imagine negotiating with someone who sees you as unqualified. Unless you address this filter directly, your message will likely fall flat. Recognizing and working with these filters is essential to influencing outcomes. Spot the filters you are being interpreted through early on in the interaction.
Conviction Comes from Accomplishment
Great communicators and negotiators don’t just respond to conversations — they design them. Whether addressing an individual or an audience, a seasoned speaker understands that perception is everything. Your task is to identify how you “occur” to others and adapt accordingly. When you speak directly to where the other person “lives” emotionally and intellectually, you can shift their listening entirely. That’s where the magic happens.
This skill takes practice and confidence, but it’s transformative. Once you master it, you become the architect of your interactions, capable of moving people not just with words but with presence and intent.
Affinity and Two-Way Communication
No matter the context, affinity — the sense of connection and rapport — defines the success of any interaction. Without it, even the most brilliant message falls on deaf ears. Affinity is not about surface-level agreement but about finding something genuine to admire or appreciate in the other person.
For example, you might notice their sense of style, the way they think, their humor, or their energy. These points of connection create the foundation for impactful communication. After all, there are so many things to like about people. The way they dress, the way they move, their gestures, postures, reactions…you can like their office, their car, their watch, their demeanor, their candor, their positiveness, the way they laugh, and so on.
In professional environments, cultivating affinity isn’t optional — it’s essential. Unlike personal relationships, where we might let emotions or judgments dictate our behavior, professionals must deliberately choose to encourage rapport.
“Affinity is far more effective than any intention to sell, teach, or prove. It’s the quality of connection that allows relationships — and results — to thrive.”
By creating atmospheres of trust and relatedness, you unlock the potential energies and talents of those around you. The best partnerships are rooted in mutual appreciation, and the most successful leaders prioritize affinity above all else.
Cultivate Your Appetite to Create Affinity
Through a clear understanding that friendship, relatedness, kinship and rapport are all rooted in affinity, it becomes obvious that we must generate powerful affinity items in order to cultivate successful relationships. It is a professional focus. As a professional, you naturally must become accountable for unearthing the things you like or even love about the people you work with. This is not voodoo science, and yet it is too often avoided or ignored.
The nature of a professional focus, as opposed to a rookie one, is that the professional will make sure it hits the mark. In our personal and social environments, we can get careless, immature or absent-minded, etc. We can lose our focus and intentions. Instead, we follow our moods, our conditioning, our fatigue, our judgements, and not-so-graceful frustrations. A professional cannot afford that.
It is the distinct choice of what “listening” to bring to the table that gives a leader the creative advantage. How can you leverage the potential energies and talents of individuals around you, if affinity is low? As an example, the best partners love each other and they are not afraid to express it.
Continue to cultivate your appetite to love and appreciate, and you will maintain your chances of being recognized for your unique talents, caring and expertise. An appetite can easily be increased once the impact it produces becomes obvious.
Revealing vs. Hiding
In any interaction, we are either revealing or hiding ourselves. To expand your influence, you must be willing to make yourself known. This principle is well understood by celebrities. For example, Elvis Presley’s popularity was grounded in his ability to connect authentically with his audience — often one-on-one. He didn’t just perform; he communicated his appreciation and love openly, making his fans feel seen and valued. His immense appeal was intimately connected to the “listening” he brought to his fans, and boy did they respond! In essence, the best way to be known is to be seen and heard as someone who consistently places appreciation, gratefulness and relatedness at the very top.
The same applies to leadership and negotiation. When you show up with appreciation, gratefulness, and openness, you inspire others to do the same. This creates a virtuous cycle of connection and mutual respect.
Inspirational Leadership
Here are some areas to look into creatively when it comes to managing styles:
- Do you and people around you feel loved? Appreciated? Inspired?
- Accomplished?
- Focused? Energized? Appreciative? Seen? Valued?
- What are your “filters and listening” about trust and openness?
- Are you aware of the “filters and listening” you bring with you at work?
- How often do you acknowledge your team for their work or dedication?
- Your employees? Your boss? Your associates? Partners?
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Husband | Coach | Focused on Performance, Leadership, Public Speaking & Business Communication | Visual Artist & Author | Talent Developer
Favorite quote: “Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it! Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!”
Speakers & Artists International
Speech Coach | Business Communication | Self-Development | Performance
